Memories

It's funny when all those little stupid thing that you've uploaded and deleted still remain there. Internet never delete it after all. Is it hunting you? So and so, just sometime it kind a hurt when those people that you pretty close back than were no longer remain in your inner circle, but most of the thing, doesn't bother and don't care. Everything happen for a reason and I am where I'm suppose to be at this moment. So just sit back and keep on chilling.

Finally, Yippie!!! Alhamdulillah

Alhamdulillah. Sesungguhnya rezeki Allah hadir dalam pelbagai cara. Aku bukan seorang pelajar dalam katergori bijak atau pandai, jauhlah dari cerdik. Tak pernah masuk kelas no satu, tak pernah dapat straight A dalam semua peperiksaan besar Malaysia.Degree result pun 2nd class je. Tapi mungkin ada sedikit rezeki untuk aku teruskan pengajian sampai tahap ni. Mungkin ada yang berkata, “Elleh, Master je pun”, Tapi untuk seorang aku, master tu pun dah payah nak capai. Finally, I ended my master journey. Extend one semester due to delivery. Lost all my research progress due to my house been robbed. Struggling as a fully breastfeeding mommy, and doing my research, and my baby was so clingy most of the time, ada masa nangis bawah shower sebab stress takut tak sempat siapkan research on time, ada masa sambil menaip thesis sambil breastfeed baby sebab idea tengah dok mai. Kadang – kadang kita ni jenis kena tunggu seru mood sampai baru boleh betul- betul focus pada thesis (I just that type), baru ja ilham sampai, anak dok teriak nak susu, lari la naik atas katil bagi susu dulu, lepas tu kembali hadap laptop. Tengah idea dok mai laju sekali lagi anak terik, last – last aku pun join dia teriak. Hahahaha~ Tu tak masuk lagi lupa bawak pump susu p studio end up bengkak and kena balik awai, sakit wooooo~ Lepas tu sambil pump susu sambil drive balik dari kelas / studio / university. (Ni cerita master journey ka breastfeed journey tatau) So here, me and my master baby.

Tragedi Ogos

15 August 2016 (Isnin) Hari ni janji dengan Sya nak jumpa pukul 3 ptg. Ceben shift petang jd dia keluar rumah pukul 1 ptg. Pukul 2 ptg drive sorang sorang pergi KSL jumpa Sya. Makan, lepak, jalan2, borak borak sebab lama tak jumpa berdua selalu ada husband masing2, so gossip tu cover2 la sikit jd bila berdua ni abes semua keluar la perangai tu. 830 mlm masing masing balik ke rumah masing masing. 850 mlm betul betul sampai depan rumah dh nampak pintu gril kena kopak n tingkap lopong! Lompat dr kereta dengan tak sempat mati enjin n semua jiran kanan kiri depan dtg rumah. Abang sebelah kiri ckp dia balik kerja pukul 6 ptg tgk pintu terkopak nak call tak tahu number. Abg Chinese sebelah kanan dtg ckp smpai rumah dalam pukul 530 ptg dan tgk pintu dah terkopak try panggil tp xde org. Dia terus suggest call polis. Terus call 999 n dia ckp akan hantar polis ASAP. Kakak sebelah kiri suruh tenang n suruh minum and suruh duduk takut baby terkejut. Abang Chinese terus ckp masuk rumah n check apa yang hilang. Ah soo depan rumah (she's about 60+) dtg even jalan slow slow tanya ok tak? Abang rumah depan ckp dia ada nampak org naik moto LC dua tiga hari lepas dok pusing area ni tak tau la dia aim ke apa ke. Ok, terharu dengan jiran2 semua walau mcm mcm kaum n selalu just tegur tegur n senyum je xde borak2 panjang pun. Nama semua pun xtau but still prihatin. Time tengah hari adalah paling sunyi kt kawasan perumahan sebab semua keluar kerja. So time tu laa pencuri buat hal, antara jam 2-5 ptg. Masuk rumah n semua masuk sekali first thing mata nampak tv, ok it still there. Laptop ceben dah tak ada. Lari naik atas bilik sepah, my laptop gone! 😭 Ok nangis! Dia ambil sekali dengan beg lap top dalam tu ada all journal and articles and buku yg conteng2 pasal my thesis. Dia angkut sekali cooling pad dua dua laptop, speaker, mouse, external hard disk, thumb drive, charger phone, mp3 yg ada surah surah sbb recently bg baby dengar surah surah, head phone n earphone! Licin semua brg it dia hangkut! Koleksi duit syiling lama abah hadiahkan dia simpan lama. Koleksi syiling dari zaman khalifah islam, zaman kesultanan melaka, zaman pendudukan british, zaman jepun dari banyak negara dalam satu album dia sapu! Koleksi jam tangan semua hilang! Gelang emas pun kena sapu! Koleksi cap NY ceben dia amek yg paling mahal! Kasut dia dh susun belakang pintu tp gamaknya tak sempat nak ambil kot. Yang paling tak faham sijil nikah pun dia rembat sekali? What the hack???? Motipppp? Terkejut menggigil satu badan, call ceben dia rush balik terus. Jiran jiran semua tunggu smpai polis dtg n ceben balik rumah. Apa pun benda paling ralat hilang adalah laptop n articles n journals thesis sbb xdak back up langsung, nak start over cmne??? Ok nangis tak berlagu pasal tu. Terasa kehilangan, separuh jiwaku pergi bersama mu!!!!!! Tapi tetap bersyukur sbb time kejadian tu xde kt rumah kalau ada dlm keadaan sarat mengandung (8 month+) mcm skrg ni apa sgt laa yg mampu buat?

Happy tummy, Happy Me

The best part being pregnant is when you have your own food delivery, As if, your husband! You can demands anything you want at any time! Even sometimes that food you can do it yourself but still he willing to make it for you! I suddenly wake up at 3am in the morning and hungry and all I want is only a french toast! Wake my husband up and said I'm hungry and I want a french toast! He immediately wake up and make me a french toast with a sprinkle or cinnamon and sugar on it. I was happily wait at the dining table and he serve the french toast for me! Hope this will last long not only during pregnancy laaah! Thank you ceben!

Tumpang Tanya Sat.

Ermm ok. Awak cakap awak ni girlfriend dia? Tapi dia tak mau add awak kt any media social. Dia tak bg awak upload gambaq berdua kt media social awak. Lepas tu kt ofis dia ckp dia tak bg apa apa reaction pun bila org tanya pasai hampa. Bila org usik usik dia senyum. Bila org tanya dia senyum. Mengiyakan pun tidak menidakkan pun tidak. Tapi dia usung awak balik rumah dia. Bila family dia tanya dia kata kawan. Bila orang yg rapat tanya dia kata awak yang perasan. Dia cuma layan. Awak pun layan kan dia so dia pun layan balik la. Jap jap, sekali lagi. Awak cakap awak ni girlfriend dia?

Rehat

Kalau orang lain pantang badan susut. Aku berpantang di rumah mak metua asyik makan je. Badan masih sakit sakit, tapi darah dah tak banyak keluar. Asyik baring, makan, baring balik. Bilik ni jangan cakap laa bau minyak merah sepanjang masa. Sebab satu badan kena lumur dengan minyak. Kaki sentiasa berstokin sbb takut sejuk and yes, kalau sejuk badan jadi sakit. Dalam masa yang sama, still meneruskan proses pembelajaran, register subject online, memikirkan kelas student yang tertinggal seminggu dan a few things. Tapi sementara ada masa untuk berehat, rehatlah sebelum kembali pada hectic life. Ikutkan hati nak masuk opis isnin ni tapi suami bertegas suruh rehat sampai habis mc. Sabar je la kan. Rehat laaa selagi mampu :) Erza Ibrahim

There's so many things that I love, one of it is YOU. But I need to learn to let you go

31st of Aug 2015 (Monday) Officially lost you. My baby. Sekejap je nikmat Allah bagi. Aku gembira bakal begelar mama. Sepanjang itu aku selalu bercakap dengan kandungan sendiri. Suami manjakan aku dan harap aku jangan kerja berat selalu. Tapi aku tetap aku. Jalan tak pernah reti perlahan. Rasa diri sentiasa kuat. Bukan aku cakap aku hebat tapi aku rasa aku boleh. Aku tak tahu aku mengandung sampai la aku pergi ke Klinik Kesihatan Hospital Sultan Ismail (HSI) untuk buat medical check up sbb aku further study. Time nurse tanya either I'm preggy or not I just said I don't know but I'm trying to convince. So she send me for UPT (urine pregnancy test) and the result came out I was positive! And I don't need to go to x-ray. Went home and told my husband (he's sleeping due to his 48hrs shift just ended. He hug me and drag me to bed with him and said, "tahniah sayang" he kiss me nicely but I need to rush to work because i took half day. So I live my life as a pregnant lady and I ate alot! I gain 7kgs in just 2 weeks! I'm happy just worried to much. I register my master, happily go to the uni and said to my baby, "nanti teman mama pergi kelas tau, kita sama sama belajar dan semoga anak mama boleh jd org yang bijak" Kerja aku sebagai seorang pensyarah cum timetable coordinator and head or program memang gila (especially buat timetable) boleh bikin gaduh tau! Dan juga office environment yang sentiasa bergolak dan tak stabil buat aku rimas! Tapi bila balik rumah kalau suami off, dia layan aku mcm princess, cook for me whatever I want and treat me nicely. Dalam masa yang sama another kolej push me to work for them with better offer tp HR dia serupa nokharom memg bikin aku stress ya amat! Dan aku juga nak convert dr full time lecturer kepada part time lecturer due to aku dh sambung study. Since my course aku sorg je yg apply for part time, uni dengan diktatornya convert aku kepada part time and aku serba salah sbb nak tinggal student mcm tu je because it just not me! Tanggal 29 Ogos 2015 (sabtu) aku kerja full day and entah apa malangnya hati tu aku tergelincir di toilet office walaupun aku cuma memakai converse. Balik rumah badan aku sengal sengal dan tangkap pinggang dan paha aku. Ada blood spot but just warna coklat sikit stain kat panty. Aku buat rilex dulu. Suami kerja 48 jam pulak. 30 Ogos 2015 (ahad) blood stain dan makin banyak dan mula bertukar warna darah merah n stain makin banyak n dh start keluar mcm kasar. Sakit kt perut, paha, pinggang makin kuat. Husband heret aku pergi Hospital Sultan Ismail (HSI), they scan tp baby tak nampak, they did the scan yg masuk dari bawah, still tak nmpak baby and once dia tarik benda tu darah terus keluar mencurah curah. Aku keliru, lepas tu they did another two things yg still masuk ikut bawah and trust me it hurt like hell and they said nothing! Lepas tu dia ckp kat aku obiously not pregnant! Aku punya terkejut, confused, blur semua cukup sedangkan sebelum ni lab test from HSI ckp aku pregnant so xde la aku nak susah payah test dua tiga kali lagi kan? And they just ask me to go home and I did! Balik rumah husband masuk kerja malam and said nak smbung ot for two shift. Aku just nooded tak layan sgt sbb emosi tengah kacau. Husband pergi kerja and aku pun buat biasa laaa nak mandi. Turun tangga pun sakit kot and badan sakit sakit. So darah memang tengah keluar once kt toilet rasa mcm need to pee so bila tgh pee tu ada seketul benda darah keluar sekali and terkejut sgt but xsmpat nak tgk sbb dh selamat masuk dlm toilet bowl. Once bediri and nak capai toothbrush, rasa pinggang sakit n perut menyucuk sgt lepas tu seketul ketulan keluar sekali. Ketulan baby dalam kantung dia, warna mcm hati dh lepas basuh. Aku basuh, kutip and bungkus dlm tissue and letak dlm bekas n masuk kan dlm fridge. Malam tidur tak lena and tunggu husband balik sambil menangis. End up tidur lampu bilik pun tak katup. 31 Ogos 2015 (Isnin) Husband balik esok around 12 pm smpai rumah and dia as usual try to cheer me up! And once I saw him, air mata terus tumpah. Dia tnya kenapa and I told him what happen. He ask me why I still keep it? It just hurting me more and more and I told him I wanted to show him I am really with his baby. He hug me and pujuk pujuk me. The whole day was crying and sleeping and I let him sleep he just come back from double shift kan. Smpai pa pukul lima petang badan tak tahan sgt tanggung sakit and let my husband know. He force me to go back to HSI and i refused! Dgn apa yg jd aku dh saiko kot nak pergi situ balik! And dia dh berkeras suruh pergi hospital jugak so I said, fine! U takd me to Hospital Sultanah Aminah (HSA) only than I will go. So he did! Rush to the hospital and again masuk kecemasan, they send me to gynecology and do the same test like they did in HSI just here more gentle, tak press my stomach kuat kuat and even masukan scan ikut bawah they do it very gentle and not hurt that much and I told them everything include apa yg jd kat HSI and even show them the picture or blood cloth yg keluar tu and they confirm I was complete miscarriage. Kena tahan wad satu malam utk pantauan. Darah jangan ckp la keluar melimpah smpai basah kain n katil hospital. Siang tak makan (sbb kecewa and tak de selera) and malam tahan sakit pulak. Nurse cucuk ubat utk kecutkan balik rahim dia punya sakit menggigil aku tahan. Husband balik ambil my stuff (toiletries, baju, kain batik etc) and dgn muka tak malu tanya prg sebelah hospital dh bg makan or belum. Waktu tu around 7pm. Diorg ckp dh! Akak dah la tgh tahan sakit sbb lepas kenan cucuk ubat, tak makan badan dh gigil kot! Nak baring tak kena, nak meniarap lagi la gila duduk pun rasa serba tak kena. Last last org kanan bg roti org kiri pun bg roti jugak. Makan pun gigil kot! Husband dtg hospital around 9.30 and dia masuk kerja at 10 pm! Dia bawak nasik lauk sayur brokoli n cendawan, telur dadar dan daging dendeng. Kepala dah weng sbb ubat dh effect n suruh kita tidur, tp lapar and darah banyak kena keep on pergi toilet change pad! Makan nasik dua suap dh xde selera. Husband kiss me and hug me and went for his work. I cuci diri sikit then naik atas katil and cuba tidur. Malangnya tak boleh tidur dan tahan sakit teruk. Dh la setiap sejam nurse akan kejut nak check suhu badan and amek bacaan heartbeat and tekanan darah. Fully awake at 5 am since org sebelah pun dah bangun. Dia terus mandi. At 5.15 org sebelah kanan pulak pergi mandi. So I ask the person next to me,"kat sini memang kita kena mandi pagi ke?", Dia gelak and ckp tak lah sbb dia tak selesa. Lepas je dengar bunyi azan subuh aku pun mandi. Heran kan mandi kat hospital tak sejuk pun. At 7 am, my long lost friend time study kt Melaka, Enny. She's working at HSA as a nurse. Last jumpa tahun 2004 kot? Tak ingat sgt dah. Dia dtg bawak twister and spagethi. Hug her so hard and biasa la dia tanya and I told her the whole story. She went for her morning shift. Breakfast serve at 8 am selera masih tak de. Nurse keep on bg paracetamol since last night tp refuse utk mkn sbb mama pesal kalau boleh tahan just tahan so aku tahan je la. Around 9 dr pelatih dtg cek, kena ulang cerita balik. At 10 dr dtg cek and advise semua and at 12 dr pakat dtg and tanya keadaan aku and dengan muka buat buat sihat (sbb nak keluar wad punya pasal) so dia ckp boleh discharge at 2. Dr advise yg aku kena pantang, and if possible do not get preggy within 3 month. And aku senyum je laaa kan nak but mcm mana. Mlm semalam kan tidur tak lelap so penat and asyik nak lelap je rasa. At 1 kot aku terjaga and rasa nak tumbuk muka org! Katil sebelah ada visitor so depa punya gelak, mcm pontianak telepas mangsa bunyi dia. Weehhhh, hg melawat org sakit kot! Hg kt kawasan hospital and kat dlm wad kot! Tak boleh berpikiran waras sikit ke haaa org nak rehat nak tidoq ke bagai? At 2 dr ckp dah boleh discharge and aku ckp nak tunggu husband dtg dia ckp ok, boleh je nak lepak. Aku punya excited nak balik saljn baju kat situ jugak. Semua org gelak kat aku and ckp kurus boleh la main celap celup salin mcm tu aku terpikir, dengan ketinggian 158cm, berat dh 58kg aku masih kurus kah? Sebab sebelum kawen berat aku 48 - 50 kg je kot! Tp aku gelak je. Aku mengusik org kt dlm wad tu, perasaan mcm dok hostel and tiba tiba dapat balik. Babaiiiiiii! Semua org gelak je tgk karenah aku. Husband smpai dia settle kan bil and ambil ubat (dr bg stock acid folic utk 3 bln. Aku refuse utk amek mula mula sbb aku ckp kt dr acid folic buat selera aku banyakkkkkkkk and aku makan banyakkk and badan aku akan naikkk dan aku akan stress kalau aku gemuk. Dr ckp its ok to get a little bit fat sbb fat is easy to get pregnant) husbdan sampai and aku salam and peluk semua jiran jiran dlm wad serta berterima kasih especially yg bg makanan kat aku semalam. Jadi, bermula lah episod aku hilang gelaran mama to be and masuk alam pantang. Dear my baby. There's so many things in life that I love. You are one of them. Now I need to learn to let you go. I know you will be in a better place. I love you so much.

Lost!

It's hard to leave in a place that you never called home, It's much more harder if at your home people treat you like you not belong there. You feel you are lost. Here I am, writting a lost post. Yes, I am lost! I don't know where am I. I just feel not belong here at all. I don't have any friends and families here. When you choose to live and left everything that you have just to be with someone you love, And when that someone treating you loke you're not belong. You just lost! Again and again.

Rindu

Rindu

Di malam yang sepi
aku sendirian
dengar bisik hati
kupejamkan mata
biarkan dibawa
kembali ke suatu
ruang dan masa
indahnya bila
dibuai sejarah
di dalam keasyikan
terlihatkan seraut wajah

Rindu
membelenggu
terkenang masa lalu
hati jadi
rindu
tak terkata
manapun kau berada
semoga berbahagia

Ku bertanyakan mana Sita
kembalikan warkah cinta
moga manis jangan tangis hakis tinta
semua janji yang pernah dideklarasi
tinggal puisi sepi minta dideklamasi
aku masih bergelut memeluk takdir
detik bermula sehingga kemelut berakhir
apapun juga keputusan
aku terima walau jujurnya tak keruan dan
yang dah berlaku biarkan berlalu
nescaya nestapaku kan diubat waktu
kau harus bahagia walau tak bersamaku
khabarnya hidupmu kini ibarat ratu
nahu lagu berbaur tabu ku tahu
namun bukan niat ‘tuk menggugat dan menggangu
semoga kau pun merindui
dua lokasi, hati satu frekuensi,
aku rindu

Rindu
sejujurnya ku menginginkanmu
di sini
bersama menempuh dunia ini

Andainya diberi kesempatan
banyak yang mahu kuperkatakan
menyusur rekahan mengukur punca retakan
sejujurnya dirimu tak kupersalahkan
sempurna perbuatan, perkataan dan perwatakan
mungkin semuanya berpunca dari aku
yang selalu keterlaluan memahukan sesuatu
memorabilia, paraphernalia cinta
setia mencerita sisa memori tercipta bila (rindu)
ku mengadu ke purnama
bertanyakan khabar pujanggaku di sana
puisi cinta lama sibuk dihidupkan
menjadi senandung lestari bayu tiup-tiupkan
yang kau nyanyikan aku nyanyi juga
tak sempurna tapi ku kan tetap coba
semoga terus merindui
dua lokasi, hati satu frekuensi,
aku rindu

Jangan ku kau lupa hingga hari kita bersua

Forgive and forget

I don't know what it was
That made me love you
Or what it was that made you
Hate me the way you do
I remember what you said
And compare it to what you did
And it never made sense

You were there
And they you weren't

You had my heart
And I had yours
You said it was love
And so I stayed

Maybe it was too much
Maybe it wasn't enough

But I will never forget
The way you made me feel
Like I was everything
And I will never forget
The way you made me feel
Like I was nothing

I do forgive but it hard for me to forget. 

Masa

Masa itu Emas
Tapi Emas tak boleh beli masa

Banyak benda nak tulis
- Banjir di Pantai Timur dan Utara
-Air Asia
-Najib main golf dengan Obama
-Statement menteri macam budak tadika
- Life wrap up for 2014
- New year 2015
-Kok Ping
-etc etc etc

Tapi aku terlalu sibuk dan bila ada sikit masa terlupa atau hilang perkataan

Tergantung~